2015

I can’t stop wondering if I would have figured it out on my own. All I can think of is the way things could have been if you hadn’t woken me from my slumber. I could have lived without knowing. I’d lasted this long, after all. Instead, I am condemned to carry this burden forevermore but the way you made me see you when the Universe brought it upon you to unveil me in the heat of the summer and the pinnacle of our youth…

Do you remember, Alex? It was just a question. If you’d have known, would you have asked anyway? I wonder how many seconds it took you to change the course of my future.

It must have seemed so trivial at the time. There was no way you could have known she would tell me what you had said the next morning. She just slipped it in between bites and casual conversation. Five simple words followed by a question mark.

It’s strange to think how they wouldn’t have meant anything to me if she had told me what you asked only some months before and if it hadn’t been, well, you. I like to tell myself the Universe wanted me to know when the cold of the winter makes it difficult to melt away like the rest of my troubles. I can’t help but feel like I should’ve known night would come but we both know I couldn’t have ignored you, regardless. If everyone knew the perfect combination of letters to make a person fall, like I spent the next few days doing for you, She would be so much simpler.

There’s no way to tell if I would have eventually noticed that a part of me was missing without you to reveal another layer, hidden away within me, that I never knew I had. How can someone miss something they never loved?

I can only be certain of one detail: it had to be you. I had yet to discover that nobody could ever find the perfect words to make you fall like I did that summer, not even me, but that wouldn’t have mattered, even if I’d known. When I first caught sight of you, although it was just a glimpse, that part of me knew your image could not simply be dismissed. You refused to be ignored.

Acknowledging your existence for the first time was like discovering a new color. It was both weird and wonderful in the simplest and most complex of ways, all at once. It was something entirely new, abstract, and unknown which made you all the more intriguing. People like to compare their loves to paintings or pieces of music but you could only be compared to an artistic movement for looking at you was like looking at a beautiful revolution.

 

-Cali Avatar

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